Friday, January 18, 2008

CSI: Cat Scene Investigation

(Interview with Boo Mamluke)

I: ...and what did you hear Mr. Mamluke?
Boo: We were sleeping, when suddenly there was a strange noise.
I: Did anyone else hear the noise?
Boo: No...Mr. Wylde slept through almost the entire thing.
I: And yet you are holding Mr. Wylde responsible for the disarray and damage you discovered?
Boo: Yes. Our investigation shows that the defendants - Byron and Miranda - were undeniably involved, and probably caused most of the disruption. However, it is my belief that Mr. Wylde created the situation that resulted in the disorder, disturbance, and midnight mayhem.
I: I see. Perhaps you can describe the situation.
Boo: Well, most of my small toy collection was strewn onto the floor. Miranda and Byron's water dishes and food dishes were partially spilled onto the carpeting. A stack of paperwork from the desk was hurled onto the floor. A stack of CDs that Mr. Wylde was ripping was knocked across the room and shuffled, making it necessary to sort the unfinished and finished CDs all over again.
I: Very disturbing indeed. I'm told that you were first on the scene and discovered another participant.
Boo: Yes. Yes, I did.
I: Yet that participant has not been charged - what is your reasoning here?
Boo: Well, the other participant is not living. Though Byron and Miranda seem to think it may be.
I: Perhaps you'd better clarify.
Boo: Well, it seems that what happened was that the Roomba was employed by Mr. Wylde to clean up the office - the crime scene in question. However, upon completion of the Roomba's task, it was not returned to its charger, but left on the floor beneath the desk. Some time around midnight, a scuffle broke out between the defendants - Byron and Miranda. It appears that some portion of the scuffle took place beneath the desk. It appears to have been accidental, but at some point one of the defendants bumped the "On" switch on the Roomba. It is unclear if the same defendant or the other then hit the "Clean" button. Regardless, the Roomba seems to have had enough remaining charge to activate and begin noisily sweeping the carpet, while emitting bright red and blue light from its indicators. While coincidental, it appears that it made a beeline for the cats' food and water dishes, knocking them over and spilling them, and likely cornering one or the other of the defendants beneath the cabinet. In alarm, the cornered defendant seems to have leaped onto the desk, knocking the paperwork to the floor. The other defendant seems to have taken refuge on the piano, causing the CDs to cascade noisily onto the floor. The defendant on the desk, alarmed by the new disruption, then appears to have leaped onto the shelves above the computer, knocking several small figurines onto the floor and behind the desk.
I: And that's when you arrived in the doorway?
Boo: Yes. I entered a scene of horror - disarray everywhere, two frazzled kittens in a state of high alarm - tails and hackles fully bushed out, and a blind robot blundering aimlessly through the debris.
I: And did you identify yourself as an authority figure?
Boo: It was dark, and I was wearing underwear. I simply wanted to calm the scene as quickly as possible. It seemed the first priority should be to disable the robot.
I: And did you?
Boo: Eventually, yes. Unfortunately, I stepped on a small toy causing me some pain and distress. I fear my yell did little to help the situation, as the defendants immediately fled into the bedroom, finally waking Mr. Wylde. However, I did manage to disable the robot in the end. I then turned on the lights to assess the damage. It was horrifying.
I: Did you threaten Mr. Wylde at that point?
Boo: Well...not exactly. I did say that he was in big trouble.
I: So you do hold Mr. Wylde responsible for leaving the Roomba off the charger, allowing it to be powered on inadvertently, and precipating the resulting cat-astrophe?
Boo: I do. While not entirely blameless, I feel the defendants have learned their lesson. Mr. Wylde, however...
I: Has Mr. Wylde not apologized for his actions?
Boo: He has. Unfortunately, I have reason to doubt his sincerity.
I: Why is that?
Boo: Well, the laughter, for one thing. Everytime he attempted to apologize, he kept snickering. I just don't feel he's really sorry.
I: Oh, but I am! Really. Really. Heee. Really!